And then I clicked

I the beginning of motherhood I was happy, I has wanted to have a son for a while and I just felt that it was easy and soft.

But I was only taking care of him, I did nothing else, and I didn't want to. We had some hard time with the money, because I quited my job when I realized it was too stressing, and that I didn't want that kind of vibe around my baby still we had home and food, but that was it, it was really difficult to get the money for home services, still I was fine, and calm, I use to sleep a lot and only take care of house chores when he was sleep.

Then our life changed, I wanted to become a Doula, so we had to move to an apartment were I had lived from 88 to 95 with my mom and I stopped breastfeeding.

Little by little I started to be more angry, work more, sleep less and I became aggressive to my son. I realized that is kind of a cycle, yo allow your self to be worse, and worse and worse, moving the line from what you had decided not to do ever. And one day I found myself being educating with guilt.

At some point I understand I had to take the road back, but knowing it didn't showed me how.

As guilt inside me grew, also my anger and aggressiveness did, cause I felt that I had failed already as a mom, that I blew it, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I think this is a polluting idea that exist not only in my mind. For example at school, the first hour of the first day, you have an A, and then you just have to keep it that way, because if you fail in any way you'll start to loose pieces of it. But then, you make a mistake, you get late, or miss a homework or a reading, and you panic and that transforms in loosing interest until you may fail the class, because is so discouraging to loose that perfection, which is accented by the other who still posses it. And this, somehow, defines you, as a lazy, looser, etc.

And is my perception that sometimes this happens with parenthood.

So today, after leaving a visiting friend at the bus station. we went to eat, then to the bookstore, then to race each other running, than for a coffee, then we color a book, then back to the bookstore for a long while, then to some errands, then home, then more coloring, then working in our home calendar, dinner, bath, and hunting a roach.

This could be an ordinary day, and yet, it was different, because were are finding balance, I listen and he too, and we understand each other and everything is better, and I am afraid to say it, but I think we are back, and yes, parenthood is so easy, as long as you allow yourself the time and calm to trust your kid, it does come with instructive manual, they are whispering it at us every day, they forgive us as we may not know how to forgive others, and they love us unconditionally as we do to them and we need to let them know every day.