Sewing, again

It's been a long time, for sewing as for writing here. I missed both.
Sewing is so many things, all very positive; relaxing, creating sharing.
Blogging too, is so warm and nice, the connection that we get from reading about other people (mostly moms) lives, struggles and triumphs, and then commenting, feeling identified or cheering up them, or just learning amazing or practical things, is very different from what I feel I get on Instagram or Facebook. Here it all feels slower, kinder.

I wrote before about the group of moms and babies that I teach, music and English. Two weeks ago, they requested a sewing workshop. I have done this before, but haven't for a few years. One of the main ideas was to make menstrual pads out of the discarded cloth diapers of their babies, certainly a very Earth-friendly idea.

The result was very good and we had a great time.

Then, yesterday, I wanted to go out to get vegetables but I didn't wanted to bring a purse. I have entered a phase of my life were I don't want to carry purses, but the badly or non existent pockets on women's jeans is making it difficult, I have been meaning to do something about it but couldn't find the time, finally, yesterday I made some time.

I'm happy with the result, even when there is room to improve on the somehow improvised pattern, I was afraid that I was going to look like a clown, but I don't feel like that (even if I do look like one) and I loved the little patches I added. I plan to improve or add pockets in all my pants, it's amazing, and feminist, I think.

Babies are amazing

It has been almost four year since I last wrote here, except for my very intimate previous post which, funny enough, made reference to that last time also, 2015.

I have been doing lots of stuff, as I usually do, even when I feel more tired than ever. On 2015 I was admitted in a public music school to study violin, it has been a bumpy road, but it has led me to the wonderful project that I now have teaching babies to play music.

It started with another class I teach, English for babies, another sort of unusual project. My very close friend Karime asked me to teach her daughter English, because, somehow, I was very successful teaching my son (he scores C1 on Cambridge placement tests), and so I jumped on the path of making that a reality, wondering how to teach English to babies. We got more and more mom to come and bring their babies, and they were all very happy and then Karime requested a music class.

Music is an area in which I don't feel very confident, but my son is an advance music student, even when he is only twelve, and so I plan it with him.

I remember setting the time for the class for a week later and still not knowing what as I going to do. I didn't wanted to be just a baby class "early stimulation" as baby classes are often called here, I have done that and I can do it well, but I wanted something different.

Finally, the day before the class I saw it clearly, if had to be a Suzuki Method violin class. I have participated in many, as a student, next to kids, and I believe in many concepts from this methodology, being one of the most important "Everybody can", that is what convinced me to purchase a violin when I was 32 years old, and if I could, they most certainly could.

I was amazed, on the first class they were able to hold their violins and bows almost perfect, at least for babies if this age. I used a toy violin that I adjusted to work more or lees like a proper one, it was a Christmas gift for my son when he was tree, his stepdad painted for him.

The class started on October 2018, and has continued growing, with more and more students, they are really amazing, because babies that are loved are at their full potential, I believe.

I'm having a hard time

I really don't know were to look for help. Some days I feel like I'm not going to make it, I feel that this all sounds very lame and as if I'm making it up, just like I have been told so many times, that is all in my mind. But I'm afraid, this feels way too familiar, last time I came out of it, I don't want to got through it again, I feel that I can't.
I talked to some friends but I don't think I was able to communicate efficiently.

Four years ago, in 2015, my parthner asked me to marry him, he suggested it as a practical matter, but still I was overjoyed, I have always dreamt this, since 2007 when our relationship started.

I need to explain that it was never quite a regular relationship. He came to our lives when my baby was 15 months old, he was kind and wanted to help me, also to be with me, but he was not going to be my boyfriend, he clarify. I have never understand exactly what is the deal, at times he wants to expend most of his free time with us, he would display his affection towards me publicly and privately, but he can also be very mean. We have been togheter on and off for years, even we lived indifferent countries for three years in the years of 2010-2013, even so, he would always stayed in touch, always treating me like much more than a friend and as a father for my boy. He is controlling and difficult, but in the past four years he has been more committed as a parent.

So, he suggested we should marry, my heart raced, and just a few days later I found out that he was in a very serious relationship with a girl. He did not considered this a fault, since he had established that our relationship should be open (I have never wanted things to be this way and I have said it). Many times over the years I have tried to separate his fatherly relationship with my son -which has some positive aspects- from his relashionship with me, but he ends up always making him self at home in my home and I end up falling for him, again and again.

I should mention that I have no family in the country I live and that the biological parental family of my son was never involved, his dad left us when I was pregnant and his parents (middle-high class) bullyied me to try and coherce me to abort. That means that the economical, practical and affective ties to my partner are strong, he does not have a relationship with his own immediate family, so I hardly know them and there is no relationship with them or with his friends, he hardly ever introduce me to any and never invites me out to do anything as a couple, all our interaction is always family centered. We use to watch movies, play music, play board games, go to parks or just hang in his house or mine.

When he proposed and then I found out about the girlfriend I felt into a deep depression, I was feeling suicide impulses that I could not control, I told him that I was in really bad shape that I needed help, he just said, think about your kid, don't do that, but that didn't helped.
One day a decided to make some little party and a friend of a friend came and really liked me, so he briefly courted me and I decide to try and have a relationship, but he was going trough very dark stuff himself and so, a couple of months later the relationship ended.
I was destroyed and I seeked professional help, went to a therapist for a few months until she left the clinic. It was if great help at first but then she convinced me to get in touch again with my ex partner so I could take an acting job, this was not very positive for me.

Since then my partner and I have been togheter at times and not. A few weeks ago I started to notice him all smilley when checking his text messages, and changing with me, still affectionate but not the same. He did no effort to hide this and acussed me of emotional blackmailing him if I looked sad about it. Several times I asked him if he was in a relationship and he eluded me.

Finally he sort of let me know that he was going out of the city for the weekend, I try to keep calm, but eventually loose it and started texting him asking about the relationship and he ended up accepting and saying that he would explain on Monday. I decided that I didn't need that, that I just couldn't  accept this terms, so I blocked him.

It's been a week and I have started to feel that's my mental state in deterioting, like at times I'm not in controlo all the sadness  and there are no positive or necessary  quemicals in my brain, I don't want to get as bad as in 2015, and I have consider therapy but right now we can't afford it. I homeschool my kid and with no family around to help I can't take formal jobs because I have to take care of him 24/7.
To make things worse, just as in 2015, the relationship with my son (almost a teenager), is deteriorating.

I wish to hear female voices of emphaty, mi ex conviced me that it was silly to expect exclusive relationships and that if I'm sad if just because I choose to suffer.