I really don't know were to look for help. Some days I feel like I'm not going to make it, I feel that this all sounds very lame and as if I'm making it up, just like I have been told so many times, that is all in my mind. But I'm afraid, this feels way too familiar, last time I came out of it, I don't want to got through it again, I feel that I can't.
I talked to some friends but I don't think I was able to communicate efficiently.
Four years ago, in 2015, my parthner asked me to marry him, he suggested it as a practical matter, but still I was overjoyed, I have always dreamt this, since 2007 when our relationship started.
I need to explain that it was never quite a regular relationship. He came to our lives when my baby was 15 months old, he was kind and wanted to help me, also to be with me, but he was not going to be my boyfriend, he clarify. I have never understand exactly what is the deal, at times he wants to expend most of his free time with us, he would display his affection towards me publicly and privately, but he can also be very mean. We have been togheter on and off for years, even we lived indifferent countries for three years in the years of 2010-2013, even so, he would always stayed in touch, always treating me like much more than a friend and as a father for my boy. He is controlling and difficult, but in the past four years he has been more committed as a parent.
So, he suggested we should marry, my heart raced, and just a few days later I found out that he was in a very serious relationship with a girl. He did not considered this a fault, since he had established that our relationship should be open (I have never wanted things to be this way and I have said it). Many times over the years I have tried to separate his fatherly relationship with my son -which has some positive aspects- from his relashionship with me, but he ends up always making him self at home in my home and I end up falling for him, again and again.
I should mention that I have no family in the country I live and that the biological parental family of my son was never involved, his dad left us when I was pregnant and his parents (middle-high class) bullyied me to try and coherce me to abort. That means that the economical, practical and affective ties to my partner are strong, he does not have a relationship with his own immediate family, so I hardly know them and there is no relationship with them or with his friends, he hardly ever introduce me to any and never invites me out to do anything as a couple, all our interaction is always family centered. We use to watch movies, play music, play board games, go to parks or just hang in his house or mine.
When he proposed and then I found out about the girlfriend I felt into a deep depression, I was feeling suicide impulses that I could not control, I told him that I was in really bad shape that I needed help, he just said, think about your kid, don't do that, but that didn't helped.
One day a decided to make some little party and a friend of a friend came and really liked me, so he briefly courted me and I decide to try and have a relationship, but he was going trough very dark stuff himself and so, a couple of months later the relationship ended.
I was destroyed and I seeked professional help, went to a therapist for a few months until she left the clinic. It was if great help at first but then she convinced me to get in touch again with my ex partner so I could take an acting job, this was not very positive for me.
Since then my partner and I have been togheter at times and not. A few weeks ago I started to notice him all smilley when checking his text messages, and changing with me, still affectionate but not the same. He did no effort to hide this and acussed me of emotional blackmailing him if I looked sad about it. Several times I asked him if he was in a relationship and he eluded me.
Finally he sort of let me know that he was going out of the city for the weekend, I try to keep calm, but eventually loose it and started texting him asking about the relationship and he ended up accepting and saying that he would explain on Monday. I decided that I didn't need that, that I just couldn't accept this terms, so I blocked him.
It's been a week and I have started to feel that's my mental state in deterioting, like at times I'm not in controlo all the sadness and there are no positive or necessary quemicals in my brain, I don't want to get as bad as in 2015, and I have consider therapy but right now we can't afford it. I homeschool my kid and with no family around to help I can't take formal jobs because I have to take care of him 24/7.
To make things worse, just as in 2015, the relationship with my son (almost a teenager), is deteriorating.
I wish to hear female voices of emphaty, mi ex conviced me that it was silly to expect exclusive relationships and that if I'm sad if just because I choose to suffer.
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